| I've found that there's a gap in the set of | | | | civilians into your deathmobile; those poor people |
| self-help and how-to books available. Sure, there | | | | never did anything to you. However, if your car is |
| are books to improve your outlook, and boost | | | | painted like a cab, then you have free license to |
| your self-esteem. If you want to learn to cook, | | | | drive like an idiot. Running red lights, jumping curbs, |
| or start a business, or patent your idea for | | | | cutting through the daycare playground -- it's all |
| self-buttering waffles, there are books to help | | | | expected from your local cabbies. Take |
| you. And if you happen to be a dummy -- well, | | | | advantage, and get that paint job done. It comes |
| there are entire shelves at the local Barnes and | | | | with a free pine-scented air freshener, too. Those |
| Nobles devoted to you. Dummies can learn about | | | | make for a nice snack.Don't Learn New WordsI |
| using computers, and performing home | | | | understand that you want to better yourself. It's |
| colonoscopies, and operating complicated voting | | | | not easy being an idiot; the temptation is always |
| machinery, among others. But there aren't any | | | | there to hoist yourself by your own petard, up |
| books to help you cope with actually being a | | | | and out of the moronic muck. I know. I've been |
| dummy. Until now. And that's where I've stepped | | | | there myself. I even went so far as to learn the |
| in to fill the void, with a set of suggestions I'm | | | | word 'petard' -- and that's three weeks of my life |
| calling 'How to Survive as an Idiot'.You may | | | | I'll never have back. I still don't know what it |
| wonder what qualifications I have for handing out | | | | means, or how to pronounce it. Is it 'PEE-tard', or |
| such advice. Fair enough. Let me put it to you this | | | | 'PUH-tard'? 'PUTT-hard'? I have no idea. I just |
| way -- I go for the service plans when I buy | | | | know that we all have one, apparently, and that |
| appliances. I leave myself notes in one pants | | | | you're only allowed to hoist your own. And if you |
| pocket to remind me that my keys are in the | | | | hoist it more than twice, then you're just playing |
| other pocket. And I play the lottery every chance | | | | with it. Pretty useless knowledge, really. Let this |
| I get. Clearly, I'm an idiot. Meanwhile, I'm thirty-five | | | | be a lesson to you all.Never Invest Your |
| years old, which means that I've managed to | | | | MoneyClearly, wise investment is a good idea. The |
| survive an awfully long time without any | | | | gradual accrual of interest and earnings over time |
| discernable mental capacity. Statistically, I should | | | | is far preferable to blowing your cash on idiot |
| have driven off a cliff or impaled my spleen with | | | | staples like scratch tickets, box wine, and bad |
| a nail gun a long time ago. Since I haven't, I've | | | | hairpieces. But the key word is 'wise'; as idiots, we |
| decided to share my survival techniques with the | | | | have about as much chance of picking a |
| rest of the world's idiots. Here are a few | | | | skyrocketing stock as winning a Nobel Prize. Why |
| excerpts:Pay Attention to SignsNow, I know this | | | | throw our money down the toilet on 'investments' |
| is difficult. As idiots, we have the attention span | | | | like Alaskan ice cube makers or Michael |
| of a lobotomized cricket. But signs are generally | | | | Jackson-brand baby monitors, when we can enjoy |
| very helpful, and can help us to avoid many sticky | | | | our time spending ourselves sillier? Either way, the |
| situations. Take the sign that's often hanging near | | | | money's gone. No need to bring a financial |
| roller coasters: 'Keep Hands and Feet Inside Car at | | | | consultant into the equation; that'll only cost you |
| All Times'. That's a particularly useful one, and has | | | | more.Hopefully, these tips will come in handy for |
| personally saved me several fingers and toes | | | | those among us who require such advice. The |
| over the years. Also, a word to the not-so-wise: | | | | unfortunate thing, of course, is that many of the |
| it's best to keep your head inside the car, too. I | | | | people who would benefit most can't read in the |
| leaned too far left once, and couldn't taste 'salty' | | | | first place. Or navigate a mouse and keyboard to |
| for a week. True story.Paint Your Car Like a Taxi | | | | find this piece online. But I have hope for my |
| CabLet me be very clear on this point -- I'm not | | | | brainless brethren, anyway. And why not -- I don't |
| suggesting that you actually pick up passengers | | | | know any better. After all, I'm an idiot.Charlie |
| and drive them through the city, looking for their | | | | Hatton is an overzealous blogger and aspiring |
| destinations. If you're reading this guide, then | | | | standup comedian offering smart, sophisticated |
| you're likely an idiot. There's a very good chance | | | | humor about life, language, and the size of his |
| that you shouldn't be operating heavy machinery | | | | naughty bits. He writes semi-daily and mostly |
| like a car. Or for that matter, the cigarette lighter. | | | | randomly at Where the Hell Was I?. |
| And heaven forbid you should invite innocent | | | | |