| I've found that there's a gap in the set
| |
| | should invite innocent civilians into
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| of self-help and how-to books available.
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| | your deathmobile; those poor people never
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| Sure, there are books to improve your
| |
| | did anything to you. However, if your car
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| outlook, and boost your self-esteem. If
| |
| | is painted like a cab, then you have free
|
| you want to learn to cook, or start a
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| | license to drive like an idiot. Running
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| business, or patent your idea for
| |
| | red lights, jumping curbs, cutting
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| self-buttering waffles, there are books
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| | through the daycare playground -- it's
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| to help you. And if you happen to be a
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| | all expected from your local cabbies.
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| dummy -- well, there are entire shelves
| |
| | Take advantage, and get that paint job
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| at the local Barnes and Nobles devoted to
| |
| | done. It comes with a free pine-scented
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| you. Dummies can learn about using
| |
| | air freshener, too. Those make for a nice
|
| computers, and performing home
| |
| | snack.Don't Learn New WordsI understand
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| colonoscopies, and operating complicated
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| | that you want to better yourself. It's
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| voting machinery, among others. But there
| |
| | not easy being an idiot; the temptation
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| aren't any books to help you cope with
| |
| | is always there to hoist yourself by your
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| actually being a dummy. Until now. And
| |
| | own petard, up and out of the moronic
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| that's where I've stepped in to fill the
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| | muck. I know. I've been there myself. I
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| void, with a set of suggestions I'm
| |
| | even went so far as to learn the word
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| calling 'How to Survive as an Idiot'.You
| |
| | 'petard' -- and that's three weeks of my
|
| may wonder what qualifications I have for
| |
| | life I'll never have back. I still don't
|
| handing out such advice. Fair enough. Let
| |
| | know what it means, or how to pronounce
|
| me put it to you this way -- I go for the
| |
| | it. Is it 'PEE-tard', or 'PUH-tard'?
|
| service plans when I buy appliances. I
| |
| | 'PUTT-hard'? I have no idea. I just know
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| leave myself notes in one pants pocket to
| |
| | that we all have one, apparently, and
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| remind me that my keys are in the other
| |
| | that you're only allowed to hoist your
|
| pocket. And I play the lottery every
| |
| | own. And if you hoist it more than twice,
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| chance I get. Clearly, I'm an idiot.
| |
| | then you're just playing with it. Pretty
|
| Meanwhile, I'm thirty-five years old,
| |
| | useless knowledge, really. Let this be a
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| which means that I've managed to survive
| |
| | lesson to you all.Never Invest Your
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| an awfully long time without any
| |
| | MoneyClearly, wise investment is a good
|
| discernable mental capacity.
| |
| | idea. The gradual accrual of interest and
|
| Statistically, I should have driven off a
| |
| | earnings over time is far preferable to
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| cliff or impaled my spleen with a nail
| |
| | blowing your cash on idiot staples like
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| gun a long time ago. Since I haven't,
| |
| | scratch tickets, box wine, and bad
|
| I've decided to share my survival
| |
| | hairpieces. But the key word is 'wise';
|
| techniques with the rest of the world's
| |
| | as idiots, we have about as much chance
|
| idiots. Here are a few excerpts:Pay
| |
| | of picking a skyrocketing stock as
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| Attention to SignsNow, I know this is
| |
| | winning a Nobel Prize. Why throw our
|
| difficult. As idiots, we have the
| |
| | money down the toilet on 'investments'
|
| attention span of a lobotomized cricket.
| |
| | like Alaskan ice cube makers or Michael
|
| But signs are generally very helpful, and
| |
| | Jackson-brand baby monitors, when we can
|
| can help us to avoid many sticky
| |
| | enjoy our time spending ourselves
|
| situations. Take the sign that's often
| |
| | sillier? Either way, the money's gone. No
|
| hanging near roller coasters: 'Keep Hands
| |
| | need to bring a financial consultant into
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| and Feet Inside Car at All Times'. That's
| |
| | the equation; that'll only cost you
|
| a particularly useful one, and has
| |
| | more.Hopefully, these tips will come in
|
| personally saved me several fingers and
| |
| | handy for those among us who require such
|
| toes over the years. Also, a word to the
| |
| | advice. The unfortunate thing, of course,
|
| not-so-wise: it's best to keep your head
| |
| | is that many of the people who would
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| inside the car, too. I leaned too far
| |
| | benefit most can't read in the first
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| left once, and couldn't taste 'salty' for
| |
| | place. Or navigate a mouse and keyboard
|
| a week. True story.Paint Your Car Like a
| |
| | to find this piece online. But I have
|
| Taxi CabLet me be very clear on this
| |
| | hope for my brainless brethren, anyway.
|
| point -- I'm not suggesting that you
| |
| | And why not -- I don't know any better.
|
| actually pick up passengers and drive
| |
| | After all, I'm an idiot.Charlie Hatton is
|
| them through the city, looking for their
| |
| | an overzealous blogger and aspiring
|
| destinations. If you're reading this
| |
| | standup comedian offering smart,
|
| guide, then you're likely an idiot.
| |
| | sophisticated humor about life, language,
|
| There's a very good chance that you
| |
| | and the size of his naughty bits. He
|
| shouldn't be operating heavy machinery
| |
| | writes semi-daily and mostly randomly at
|
| like a car. Or for that matter, the
| |
| | Where the Hell Was I?.
|
| cigarette lighter. And heaven forbid you
| |
| |
|
