| Each of us has a life theme, according to Daphne | | | | are not chosen or valued. |
| Rose Kingma, psychotherapist and author of | | | | Blame yourself for not being included. |
| Loving Yourself: Four Steps to a Happier You. A | | | | Emotional Suffocation |
| life theme is a single psychological issue that is the | | | | Did you have an overprotective or overly |
| lesson plan for our lives. | | | | involved parent? |
| For some, life themes dictate personal mission or | | | | Did one of your parents treat you like a spouse? |
| lifes purpose. And no other factor is as important | | | | Were your parents emotionally invasive? |
| as our life theme in coloring our self-esteem and | | | | If you suffered from emotional suffocation, then |
| helping or hindering our ability to accept and love | | | | you may: |
| ourselves. | | | | Feel overwhelmed by a persons simple desire for |
| Life themes reflect our deepest wound, and | | | | contact or intimacy. |
| many, including me, find their life purpose through | | | | Be commitment phobic. |
| their life theme. | | | | Blame yourself when love eludes you. |
| All her life, my mother wanted a daughter. | | | | Deprivation |
| Pregnant at thirty-nine, she knew I was her last | | | | Did you grow up in poverty? Did everyone |
| chance. You can imagine her disappointment when | | | | around you seem to have more than you? |
| the doctor announced I was a boy. | | | | Were you deprived of physical and emotional |
| From birth, I felt I was not okay as I was. To | | | | contact with your parents or siblings? |
| earn my parents love, I strived to be someone | | | | Was your mother too busy, drunk, or exhausted |
| else. Now at fifty-one, I know my life purpose is | | | | to give you attention? |
| to help others stand in their power by becoming | | | | Was your father too absorbed in his work or the |
| the full expression of all they are. Inherent in my | | | | evening paper to talk to you? |
| mission is the belief that we are perfect just as | | | | If your life theme is deprivation, you may: |
| we are. | | | | Tend to do without. |
| Life themes feed inner critics. My life theme of | | | | Have a hard time receiving because you believe |
| rejection eggs on my inner critic, who taunts: | | | | you do not deserve it. |
| If people knew who you really were, they would | | | | Feel you should treat yourself better while blaming |
| not love you. | | | | yourself for doing just that. |
| You do not deserve to be included. | | | | If you are like me you identify with several of |
| If only you were (smarter, more in shape, or | | | | these themes. My dad was a workaholic |
| accepting) people would like you. | | | | (abandonment) and my mother treated me as a |
| And this negative self-talk shapes my concept of | | | | spouse (emotional suffocation). While these two |
| self. | | | | themes play out in my life, rejection takes the |
| According to Kingma, life themes fall into six | | | | lead role. In my experience working with clients, |
| broad catagories: | | | | one central theme is almost always more |
| 1. Neglect | | | | prevalent. |
| 2. Abandonment | | | | Looking over your history, can you determine |
| 3. Abuse | | | | what caused your life theme to become your |
| 4. Rejection | | | | central issue? Many clients feel disloyal when they |
| 5. Emotional Suffocation | | | | blame their parents. They did the best they could, |
| 6. Deprivation | | | | many say. While your parents most likely did their |
| Let us look at each. See if you can identify yours. | | | | best, it was still not enough. None of us has ever |
| Neglect | | | | been loved perfectly. It is a fact of life. |
| Was television your babysitter? | | | | Loving yourself is the greatest work you will do in |
| Was your home always dirty and messy? | | | | this life. In a sense it is your only work, Kingma |
| Was your idea of a hone-cooked meal a TV | | | | wisely writes. Life themes negatively impact our |
| dinner that you had to microwave yourself? | | | | image of ourselves when we are not conscious of |
| Were you closer to your best friends parents | | | | them. Learning to work with our life themes builds |
| than your own? | | | | self-acceptance, self-esteem, and self-love. |
| If you were neglected, you may: | | | | I found these four questions particularly helpful in |
| Feel unworthy of the good things that life has to | | | | exploring my life theme. I hope you will find them |
| offer. | | | | useful, too. |
| Feel guilty every time you buy new clothes, have | | | | One: How has my life theme defined me? Put |
| a manicure, or take a vacation. | | | | another way, what roles am I playing because of |
| Beat yourself up for not giving yourself more | | | | my life theme? |
| care and attention. | | | | I have taken on the roles of rebel, outsider, and |
| Abandonment | | | | artist because of my life theme of rejection. |
| Did one of your parents die? | | | | Two: How does my life theme negatively impact |
| Were one or both parents workaholics and never | | | | my life? |
| at home? | | | | I wrote: |
| Did your dad or mother disappear after a | | | | I feel superior to others (often masking my low |
| divorce? | | | | self-esteem). |
| Were you emotionally abandoned? | | | | I become judgmental. |
| If abandonment is your issue, then you may: | | | | I look for what separates me from others |
| Not stick up for yourself. | | | | instead of what we share in common. |
| Find yourself in situations where you feel | | | | Three: What benefit(s) do I derive by holding on |
| abandoned. | | | | to this central theme? |
| Tend to be in relationships where others are not | | | | This question delivered a big aha to me. I realized |
| particularly loyal. | | | | that if I do not belong, then I am special. |
| Abuse | | | | Four: What are two ways that I could benefit by |
| Were you sexually, physically, emotionally, or | | | | letting go of my central theme? |
| verbally abused? | | | | 1. I could build a stronger, closer network of |
| Were you called too sensitive? | | | | friends. |
| Was one or both of your parents narcissistic? | | | | 2. I could go to a party, enjoy myself, and not be |
| Were they too self-absorbed to give you the | | | | exhausted at the end of the evening. |
| attention you needed? | | | | Five: How could my life theme point me to my |
| If abuse is a life theme, then you may: | | | | purpose or mission? |
| Be super critical of yourself. | | | | For me, it was easy. For others, it is much harder. |
| Feel you do not deserve love. | | | | Still, all of us can find clues by examining our life |
| Allow others to treat you poorly. | | | | theme. One friend, a South Carolina couples |
| Be unkind to your body by overeating, forming | | | | therapist, discovered that her theme of |
| addictions, or staying in abusive relationships. | | | | abandonment lead her to adopt the mission of |
| Rejection | | | | helping couples build safe, secure, stable, and sane |
| Did your parents wish you were never born? Did | | | | relationships. |
| they wish you had been a boy instead of a girl, or | | | | Life themes become limiting beliefs when not |
| vice versa? | | | | examined, and limiting beliefs are the glass ceilings |
| Did you feel secondary to another sibling in your | | | | that prevent us from reaching for the stars. |
| family? | | | | When we identify our life themes we come closer |
| Were you ignored? Treated as if you did not | | | | to finding our mission or purpose in life. By |
| exist? | | | | working with our life themes, we become more |
| If you were rejected, you may: | | | | self-accepting and self-affirming. We lead happier |
| Be self-rejecting. | | | | and more meaningful lives. |
| Unconsciously seek out experiences where you | | | | |